Welcome to 2008. Let's hope this year brings us all what we want and have waitied so long for. I had a nice holiday with my family. Listen in this week as I talk about feeling overwhelmed with the shopping list for 2 babies and how I still can't bring myself to buy anything. My next OB appointment is tomorrow and I can't wait. Hoping for yet another peek in at the munchkins.

While it seems that time is going by quickly in other areas of my life, for pregnancy, it is like I'm standing still. Each week milestone I hit feels like it took a month to get there. It doesn't help that I had no u/s this week that let me check in on things. I talk today about how my doctor's office is not boosting my confidence, go over some IF-related studies, and talk about how I'm feeling more comfortable with my decision to forgo more immune treatment.

I also feel like a total dork. On my last post, I was all excited the babies were measuring ahead, thinking that I was 8w5d at my u/s. Um no, I was 9w5d (no wonder why time is going slow). So the babies were measuring behind by a few days still. I really hope they catch up soon!

A good week but a stressful one. U/S looked great. Babies were measuring a bit ahead. I was 8w5d and they were 9w1d and 9w. Usually they're measuring behind so it was nice that they played catchup. I discuss this week why I'm thinking about discontinuing IV*Ig. I now have another 2 weeks in between u/s. I haven't had to wait this long yet to check in on the pumpkins so next week is going to be a lonnnnggggg week. Anyone have pro or con views on getting a doppler?

And as an answer to Courtney who posted today on the previouos post, they didn't unblock my tubes. I really wanted them too but my RE said they'd just close back up (they were gunked up with endo). I understand that if you have hydros, they'll want to remove your tubes but mine were just blocked without water in them.

Back from my visit to my folks. Highly recommend a visit to your family for some good ol' fashioned mom and dad pampering. After many failed cycles, it was very much needed.

On another note, make your voice heard! Write to your representative about HR 322, a bill that would legislate infertility insurance coverage. It just takes a quick note (or better yet call) to your representative. Find an easy to fill out form here. 

I start lupr0n dep0t on Saturday. Stay tuned for the joys of going into menopause for 2 months. Hey at least this involves a needle which means something is going on. These last 4 months have needed more needle action!

Well I forgot that I'll be in DC at a conference from Thursday-Sunday. So no official podcast this week on Friday. Instead, I got goofy and did this quick podcsat instead. I was inspired by the fact that between my 2 surgeries and a root canal, I have lost 7 pounds. I can finally fit back into my old clothes. Who knew surgery was such a good thing?

Thanks to my DH for his help on this one. Music by Alexye Nov.

I'm back from Disney World. Had a great time but had to come back to face the real world. Thyroid surgery went well. No complications. I've spent the week sleeping in and taking percocet--so it can't be too bad right?

No results yet from the surgery--those will come next week. Listen in this week as I talk about my new found positive attitude. Any takers on how long it will last?

Things can't seem to turn around. My DH says we need to stop asking questions because the answers are all bad. Yet more bad tests results this week: add antiovarian antibodies and low Inhibin-B (both predict menopause) and NK cells to the list. Crud. I feel lost in a sea of diagnoses that have no cure. I feel like my body is slowly killing off my organs and it's just a matter of time before I'm fully sterile. I'm gone next week to Florida (Gabby, you just found out your ovaries are dying. Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to Disney World!). So the next podcast (in 2 weeks), barring any surgical accidents with my vocal cords, I will be back to update you all on my thyroid surgery (did they find cancer?!?) and my follow-up with my RI.

To keep you entertained in the meantime, here is a list of words for your lady parts. It's fun to come up with new words for your cooter so you can mix it up at your monitoring appointments with your doctor. Next time I go in for an ultrasound, I plan to ask the nurse "Be gentle with the wand around my Notorious V.A.G."

Trying to get through a week after a failed cycle is no good. Trying to get any work done after a chemical is no good either. And why couldnât the chemical happen before my trip with DH last weekend? Instead it meant a vacation of no sex, no drinking, no hikingâall for nothing. Well, Iâm free to do all those things now and trust me, I have a good Friday night planned. Listen in as I talk about how overwhelmed I feel with all the different doctors Iâm juggling. I think I need to hire a full-time patient advocate.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words! It means a lot. It was a crazy ride. My HPTs went lighter on 15dpo and then got darker on 16dpo. So I was excited. Then 17dpo, the test went back to barely positive. That day, I got my beta from Friday (14dpo) and it was only 30 so I knew we were headed towards chemical-ville. Today's beta at my clinic (18dpo) was <5. I was shocked it went so low so quickly. I feel like I made this all up. I knew today's would be <30 but to be totally negative just made me feel like I can't even have a decent chemical pregnancy.

I am down but mainly just feel worn out. I still haven't heard from the surgeon either about my thyroid surgery. I'd like to get that scheduled ASAP so it won't interfere with my next FET. Want to make sure we've taken care of the thyroid issues as soon as we can.

It's been a wild week. Started off with lots of good things happening--good tickets to the basketball game, good review on my journal article. Then we got the news of my thyroid biopsy and it wasn't good. Cells came back as 15% chance of cancer so I will need to have the nodule and part of my thyroid removed. Tested BFN 10-12dpo (4dp6dt â 5dp6dt). DH and I decided to book a vacation away this weekend because of the slew of icky news. Then yesterday, I saw a line. And today I saw it again. Am I going insane? It's so light, especially for 14dpo! I wonât have beta results until next week. How can they expect people to wait this long?

It's a new year and a new mind set. We had transfer on Thursday and all went well. My acupuncturist's office was short-staffed so I decided to skip the pre-transfer appointment I usually do (was getting too complicated to arrange a visit). This round: no acupuncture, no pineapple, sporadic bedrest, no stress. We thawed 2 of our 4 embryos and both made it so we have 2 inside me and 2 still in the freezer. And I'm already 7 "dpo." Hooray for a day-6 blast transfer! If nothing else, it makes the time go faster. Listen in today on how New Years Eve went and also about the thyroid biopsy I had today.

I wish I weren't in school to become a researcher. Really, I'm too good at it. My doctor told me he thought I had antiovarian antibodies that were causing me to respond so poorly to stims (when not on steroids). I figured though it was my weight gain that helped last cycle. But this cycle has proven that theory wrong. I'm on cd 25 and so far I've geared up to O 2x and both times it hasnât worked. So doing research on AOAs has led me to realize this is probably what I'm dealing with. In some ways, it is a relief to know I have a cause to the 2 years of unexplained irregular cycles but I am mostly sad b/c there is no cure and eventually my ovaries will be destroyed by yours truly. I guess my body didnât want to make my thyroid feel lonely so it decided to attack my ovaries too. What organ system will be next?

So, this week I talk about my steps towards calling in the big dogs: A Reproductive Immunologist. I have an appointment in 2.5 weeks but what do I do in the meantime about my crazy cycles? Listen in on my quandary about when and if I should take pr0vera, how to time a FET, and when to get more autoimmune b/w done. You can help me decide by taking this fun survey. Hey, maybe you're as bored as I am?

You guys rock. Thanks to everyone for their outpouring of support. Last week was really rough. It was one of those times where you wonder what the point is to going on. But we press forward. And as I press forward, I hope to collect more medical info on why my body is attacking its own organs and my embryos. Bad body, bad. I seem to have inherited some nasty autoimmune things from my parents. How did they manage to conceive and give birth to 2 healthy babies? Makes me wonder why I'm so gung ho on passing my genes. I got a nice surprise today tooâI have four frosties waiting for me. Yes, 4 of our embryos made it to freeze. I'm in shock but feel somewhat skeptical in a way too. I explain why in this week's (very long) podcast.

A really weepy post from me today. Kept trying to make it through without crying and it just wouldn't work. So only listen to this if you want to hear someone whine and cry a lot. I tested this morning (16dpo) and it's a BFN. So IVF#2 is a bust. I feel a little lost right now but am going to enjoy the next few months off and then pick myself up and go into round 3.

Oh the joys of bed rest. I've been good this time too. Have lazed about on the couch for 3 days straight. Today's the last day! We had ET on Saturday and it went really well. We had the actual embryologist there (not one of his lackey's) and he was very informative. We transferred 3 again: all grade Bâs (one a âB+â?), 2 were 7-celled and 1 was 8-celled. Not too bad. Not as good as last time but look what last time got us? The doc who did our transfer seemed to do a great job. My cervix cooperated too. I did acupuncture before transfer and that, combined with the valium, helped keep me chill. As of Saturday, we had 11 embryos still being cultured. None look stellar but the embryologist thinks we may get 1-2 to freeze this time. Boy, that would be nice.

And so now I'm in the 2ww. I feel weird this time. Not really hopeful. Sort of like this cycle is just going on around me. It's still early though. As soon as I start getting any semblance of a pg sign, I think my involvement in the 2ww will skyrocket!

Well, I'm standing on the precipice of ET. We had 20 eggs retrieved. 6 more than last time! 18 were mature and ICSI'd. 15 fertilized and we have 14 growing on day 2. All are between 2-4 cells but here's the downer. The embryologist says "none are perfect" and we are doing a 3dt vs. 5dt. Most are grade B's. Listen in as I apologize for being a whiny butt about my ET, how I'm terrified to do another IVF 2ww, and how my elevated antithyroid antibodies give me just one more thing to worry about.

With all the drama that preceded this cycle, you'd think there would be more ups and downs so far. Nope. Everything has been smooth sailing so far. I'm stimming much better this round. Could be the higher dose (although they've dropped my dose every day--from 350 to 225 so far), could be the no exercise, could be the weight gain (10 pounds today), could be the steroids. Whatever it is, I'm liking it! Don't know when ER will be but am thinking maybe a week from today.
Update: E2 is 1623 after 5 days of stims! G*nalF dropped to 200.

Back after a 2 week hiatus. Trip to Ohio was good. I'm in the depths of lupron despair nowâyou know, the headaches, the depression, the blah-ness. Hoping to start stims tonight but am awaiting that elusive voicemail message on my clinics message service. Why do I feel like a dejected loser every time I call in and it says "You have zero messages"? Anyway, this week I talk about more antibody crap, endo theories, and my annoyance with sitting in the exam room for an hour. Will post updates when I get them!

I also wanted to thank all of you who have posted comments. You don't know how much it means to me to get so much support from people I've never even met. Definitely helps when you feel you're low on hope.

After our icky appointment with the RE on Thursday, DH and I had a fitful night of sleep. We woke up and ended up having the exact same dream:

We both were in a foreign country (me in England, DH in India) and we were on a train but it wouldn't leave until we presented the correct documentation. I searched my suit case for a passport and DH searched his suitcase for a copy of his ticket.

We woke up and realized it showed that we were not ready for IVF. The IVF train was boarding and we felt totally unprepared and lost. Well, the train is taking off whether we like it or not. I had my pre-lupron baseline scan today and had a crazy finding: Last cycle I had 15 antrals (low normal) with most on the right side (and got 14 eggs). This time, I had 25 follicles! And the left was just as proficient as the right. Weird. Maybe the no exercise thing is working. Maybe it's just weird luck. No matter what, I hope it's a sign of good things to come!

So things just keep getting better and better. I can now add Anticardiolipin Antibodies (ACAs) to my list of fun IF things. My level came back at 19, which isn't super high but high enough to get placed on steroids. Can't wait for that! But IVF#2 moves forwards, Âthis time with a lot more drugs and a lot less hope. Here's my schedule:

9/26: Start lupron

10/7 Start stims

~10/20: ER

~10/23: ET

Back to the beginning. I'm staring down the face of IVF#2 and I'm nervous about what I see. I've enjoyed my break and am ready to get started again but I'm also trying to brace myself for IVF taking over my life again. No other way around it. Anything that sticks you with needles every day and makes you come in for doctor's appts every morning takes over you life. Not much going on this week. It's next week where the fun starts!

Iâm back from a fantastic vacation. It was such a much-needed break. The picture here is from a hike DH and I did to a top of a mountain in Bend, OR. What a view! And get this, my body Oâd without any fake-outs. Just up and Oâd. And on cd26 which is none to shabby. Maybe the sitting on my butt and stuffing my face approach is actually working? But, with an O, it means I donât have to wait on provera to work to get AF. Which means IVF#2 is just around the corner!

Iâm back from a 2 week podcasting break. My parents were in town last week so I wasnât able to do any updating. But, thereâs really not much to update you all on. Well, except for my blubbering incident at my acupuncturist's office last week. Oh, and Iâve gained 3.5 pounds since ER. Yay! Hoping at least to gain another 3.5 pounds before I start IVF again. Iâll get more details on when that will be when I meet with the doc next week. Until then, I'm trying to find other ways to remain stress free other than exercise.

Ms. Jennifer Cina, a clinical psychology doctoral student at Adelphi University, is writing a dissertation on coping with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). As someone who struggled with infertility, Ms. Cina is aware of the complexity of this experience and it is her hope to promote the understanding of womenâs experience of infertility and IVF and to help illuminate the process involved. 

Ms. Cina is recruiting participants for a study on coping with IVF. Women who are about to undergo an IVF cycle can qualify to participate in this study that follows stress and coping throughout a given cycle. If you are interested, you will be asked to answer online questionnaires at three points of your treatment â before your cycle begins, one week into stimulation and one week after your embryo transfer.

Your time commitment will total approximately one hour for all three surveys, and you can participate at the convenience of your own schedule via online access. Confidentiality is guaranteed.

To learn more about this study please email the following address IVFstudy@verizon.net.

So I had ET and now I wait. I've felt pretty calm for the most part but it's only the equivalent of 7dpo. I think tomorrow is where things may get crazy. Still no word on whether we have any frozen yet. Frustrating because the decisions should have been made yesterday. I think I'll be asking next week when I go in for my progesterone check. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I have really appreciated them!

I just wanted to post an update here. I am on modified bed rest. I have a laptop and am trying to get work done but really. I havenât gotten any work done this whole IVF cycle, why start now?

Transfer went fantastically! I did acu before which was very relaxing. But more importantly, my acupuncturist knew how transfers go at my clinic and told me not to slam my water for the full bladder 30 min before b/c theyâre always running late. They were. So when we finally got back there, DH and I got to sneak a peak at our embies. Holy cow, they were pretty. My clinic generally transfers 3 and so I wasnât surprised when thatâs what they recommended we do. We transferred 2 8 celled grade A embies and one 8 cell B embie. And beta isnât for another 13 days. Itâs gonna be a loooonnnngggg 2 weeks! Iâm so grateful to even be here though. I never thought weâd make it to ET with such pretty embies on the first try!

I'm forever in limbo. Or maybe this is purgatory? Whatever it is, itâs annoying. I continue to take my progesterone suppositories in a last ditch effort to delay AF as long as I can. But itâs not all boring. I made it onto iTunes!